Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Ahhhh, Romance!

I love me a good romance novel. I've loved them since I checked my first stack of Silhouette Desires out from the library when I was twelve-ish. I took a stack of the fire-engine red paperbacks to the counter, and that shaggy-haired, super strange dude that used to work at the Normandale Library just gave me a look that woulda made my Mama proud. Back in the day I wasn't so quick to tell people off. I just gave him a one eye squint and a slight neck roll to let him know he better mind his own business.

Nowadays, romance books cover everything from doing it with vampires, werewolves, and half monkey/half Greek Gods (all at the same time) to hog-tying the Mayor and spanking him with a Twizzler for not ordering enough firecrackers for the 4th of July. Every kink is covered. Romances set in 18th Century Ireland, Amish Romances (for real, yall, they exist), and my personal favorite, gay erotic romance. I have to tell you, there are some freaky people out there reading and writing romances. But people are reading, and that is a good thing...even if they are getting all hot and bothered over a sweet young woman losing her virginity to a rock star who is really a shape shifter who can only turn into a cute poodle puppy. Ewww.

I have found myself writing romance stories. Some good. Some really bad. But for me,they have been fun and exciting to write. It's a great way to tell lies about my weight and height, and sneak in some little known facts about how bad I was (allegedly) before the marital incident. I find myself injecting a little comedy in each one. I think I may be on to something. Comedy + Sex+ Creepy = Publishing Gold!

They say write what you know. I know a whole lot about the business end of the romance novel. (It ain't bragging if it's true.) I know very little about romance itself. That requires some real imagination. Romance for my sweet sexy fine zombie prince of a husband consists of him being kind enough to bring me home a large order of bread sticks from work with a tub of marinara. Garlic butter smothered foreplay! He loves him some me.

I find that most romance novels do a disservice by not keeping it real for the impressionable young women who read the books looking for clues to the perfect man/relationship/ happily ever after. Well, ladies here is your keep it real advice for the day...

1. All heroes in romance novels look like Bradley Cooper and are hung like Ron Jeremy.

Brace yourselves ladies, there are men among us who are packing Viennas, but they need love, too. Yes you will be utterly disappointed with his mini-meat stick, but if he's been properly trained; he can make your toes curl and sweat your hair into Buckwheat fro. You can always train him. Little man syndrome is a treatable disease.

MY advice: Buy yourself a nice toy to supplement his miniature throbbing orb of pleasure. Close your eyes and pretend he is Bradley Cooper if he really looks like Ron Jeremy.

2. All heroes in romance novels will overcome anything to be with the woman they love.

HA! There are guys who will love you deeper, longer, better than anyone else, but when it gets to nut cuttin' time they are throwing up "deuces" and all you see are elbows and ass walking out the door.

MY advice: If you have a man who has disappointed you in a big, life-altering way at least three times, WALK AWAY. He ain't changing. You can't make him.

3. All heroes in romance novels are Bad Boys with a heart of gold.

Ohhhhhh, baby, do I love bad boys! I won’t go into detail, because my Mama may read this. Bad Boys are fun and exciting and dangerous and yes, yes, yes getting your swerve on with a Bad Boy makes you want to tap into your inner Bad Girl and go rob a nursing home. Most Bad Boys are just bad. PERIOD. Girlfriend, you do not want to be with a Bad Boy when he is in a full blown herpes flare up of Bad Assity, because you could actually get “the herp” from this guy. You could get your car repo’d from being with this guy. You could end up being the hottest thing strolling the red carpet of Cellblock D from being with this guy. I’m sure you’ve seen those prison shows on MSNBC: jumpsuits are NEVER flattering and the tough boy-looking lesbian, who will decide to make you her prison wife, is usually not cute. I mean, if you’re gonna be a situational lesbian, wouldn’t you rather do it with a girl that looks like Angelina Jolie or Janet Jackson? It’s just too much for me. The prison stud never looks like Ellen or Rachel Maddow. The prison stud always looks like Don Knotts, and has a blackcent like Jay-Z. If I want a wigger, I'll stalk Eminem...or wigger-in- training, Justin Bieber, who would make an excellent prison stud IN 3-D!!!!!!. Just sayin’.

MY Advice: Bad Boys are gifts from Dr. Phil to remind us that Oprah loves us and wants us to be happy. Have a fling with a Bad Boy, repent, get tested for HIV, run a credit report on yourself, and find yourself a nice boy. Or find an older,reformed Bad Boy. A man who has been through some hard times, is over 40, ready to settle down…but still capable of breaking bad at a moment’s notice, if expert whup assery is needed.

I said all that to say I’ve hit terrible writers block. I’ve been working on an interracial romance between a time-traveling ghetto girl and a Leprechaun, and while I think the premise is totally believable; I just don’t know how to make the bondage scene with the third leg of the love triangle,the vampire drag queen, Fang-O-Licious, work. I’ll take suggestions…


  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...OMG....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I think I just peed on myself a little! Love it~ Michele

  2. Thanks Michele!!!! I love making you laugh!

  3. I may have a suggestion for that third leg....

  4. Damn, that's funny! And I will say it again on facebook.

  5. "Bad Boys are gifts from Dr. Phil to remind us that Oprah loves us and wants us to be happy."

    Best. Sentence. EVER.

    I miss you!