I have tuned out the real news, especially politics, because, well, in December the world is gonna end. If you've seen any good disaster movie, you already know what's up. All good disaster movies have a BLACK PRESIDENT( because, hell, it’s science fiction and what are the chances of a black dude running this country?) an asteroid hits the EARTH, and we are all doomed...unless you're like Tom Cruise, Will Smith, or some really drunk conspiracy theorist who actually has an ARC hidden out on your farm in Idaho. I am not handy or smart enough to build an arc...so, sweet baby Oprah in the manger, I’M GONNA GET BURNED UP LIKE A MARSHMALLOW AT A GIRL SCOUT CAMP OUT! DAMN. DAMN. DAMN.
These days, I tick off my Mayan calendar (ok, I bought myself a sweet Justin Bieber calendar) and I only watch news that doesn't scare me: ENTERTAINMENT NEWS. Yeah, all you smart asses will say I am being dumbed down by Hollywood. You damn right, slick. Look around, fool, the only people who can get a little taste of the American Dream are the ones who have a killer sex tape. Sex tape is the new HARVARD, peeps.
Back in the day, I used to be all about politics. I used to fold and stuff in the name of the future. I used to plant-gate, yard sign, and petition like it was my job. It took quite a few years of actually hanging out with politicians to realize true believers were pawns in the man's game. I was a true believer. I'm still going to vote in the general election, but it's gonna take all I got not to write in Mary Hart, the Matron Saint of Mindless, Blathering, Bronzed, Capped-Tooth Perfection...and self promo. I. Miss. Her.
I can't be bothered with North Korea or China. They are going to sell us flammable clothes and then set us on Nuclear FIRE! Stock market? I ain't got no money. Gold? Sold it all. I did keep my teeth a.k.a. fronts in case I get a wild hair and decide to hitch my wagon to Lil' Wayne's crew and freestlye with my bad self. You ain't know I had rhymes? Don't make me...
These days the most important new is my life is the manufactured Hollywood goo that high-paid publicists crank out to justify their Prada passion. These days, I get my hard hitting news from TMZ and Perez Hilton. It would be un-American to deny these anorexic, iPhone-addicted prophets of tabloid-land my time. See, I am a true patriot. Yesterday, Aretha Franklin announced she is engaged and not preggo. But, I think Dionne Warwick may be sprouting a baby bump. I wonder who the daddy is? I am not one to just make stuff up.
Back in the day I would have been caught up in the swaggerfest known as the Iowa Caucus. These days, I am on Maternity Watch. My Beyonce/ Jay-Z Birth Watch 2012 is a full time job... in between looking for a real job, raising the McBrothas, and writing a totally original book about vampires. I can't wait until Bay-Z, the richest, most bootylicious, gangsta cooing young 'un in Hip-History, makes an appearance. Why? Because the Iowa Caucus is boring the dog snot out of me. See, the future of the country doesn't depend on what lackluster candidate we elect. It depends on the first Red Carpet outfit Bay-Z will be wearing. It will set the tone for the future. If Bay-Z is wearing a one-of-a-kind piece sewn by Donatella Versace...with her own two French mani'ed hands: The Earth will not be destroyed by an asteroid or nuclear weapon, and the markets will rebound. If Bay-Z is wearing some outfit from Target, we are in big trouble. Expect more economic doom, political upheaval, and the Kardashians to be a continuing puss-filled boil on the American ass for the next decade.
The future of country, and yes, our planet depends on the birth of Bay-Z. I hate to get all Matrix on y'all, but I have read the tea leaves in my sippy cup of boxed wine. If America is to be saved, a child will do it. I wanted to believe that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's twins, Monroe and Moroccan, could do it. #DemBabies have huge TwitterLove, and cuteness, but they just don't have the Messiah Factor. I just don't believe #DemBabies are willing to give up their $1,500 pacifiers to save us. Mariah is not know for being humble, and I suspect #DemBabies are selfish as hell. I just think Bay-Z will be a kinder, gentler kid...even though Bay-Z's daddy was a gun-slinging drug dealer who would shoot first, rhyme later...which never made in his Oprah special.....
Anywhooo, I mark the days off my Justin Bieber Mayan Doomsday Calendar with a purple Sharpie (JB's fav color, I know, right!) and wait for Bay-Z to come into this broken ass world of ours. Bay-Z 2012 is more exciting than Iowa and less terrifying than thinking of N. Korea. And Aretha getting engaged at 69 years old should give hope to all the single ladies. Now put yo hands up!
P.S. What if, Jessica Simpson and Beyonce' went into labor the SAME DAY...who would get more coverage? Or would it be like the Farrah Fawcett/ Michael Jackson Going Home to Glory the Same Damn Time, So How the Hell Do We Get Mary Hart in Front Of Both Morgues At the Same Time? situation we had on June 25, 2009. I'm just sayin...
P.S.S. What kind of ghetto ass name is Bay-Z gonna get? Or, is she going to let her BFF and bad baby name giver Gwyneth Paltrow help her? Mary, mother of Oprah…is that Oprah’s Mama’s name?